promethean

to love.

courtrudd — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:52:25 +0000

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.” Matthew 7:6

Think about the most sacred thing you posses.

What immediately springs to my mind is purity. We are the bride of Christ and are meant to keep ourselves pure for Him. This is an all encompassing purity, not merely the physical but also our minds, hearts, spirits and emotions. We seem to forget this sometimes. II Cor 11:2-3 “I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him. But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ.” We must continually remind ourselves that this impurity is multifaceted. There is a deceiver who is out to destroy us and he will not make keeping pure easy for us.

I cannot help but see this verse as saying do not hand that purity, the figurative pearls (a thing of great wealth) over to men who are full of lust (he compares them to pigs). We need to start focusing our attention and affection on our true first love, Christ. God gives us earthly love and marriage as a foreshadowing of what is to come. Our earthly marriage compared to our heavenly marriage is like the difference between giving a starving man a picture of food or actual food. There is no comparison in passion, in affection, in intimacy; yet, we seldom look ahead to that relationship and instead focus our attention on earthly romantic relationships. We have that deep craving, that hole that needs to be filled with affection and attention and love and instead of seeking the very source of love (God IS love) we give our hearts away to base, earthly relationships. I’m not trying to say that every relationship is wrong, but so many relationships in our society (including the Christians) end up consuming, physical and emotionally shattering.

God anticipated this. He warns us in this verse what will happen if we turn our ”pearls” over to anyone but his Son, our most precious possession will be trampled under foot. We must show some restraint; some self control. These “pigs” can do nothing but turn on us, trample our most sacred possession, then turn on us and tear us to pieces. The only sure thing is that we will end up with nothing, absolutely devastated. Only in a relationship that God calls us to, where he is the center, as spoken of in the Bible, will be edifying. We place too much effort in finding our earthly soulmate. We should just be patient, abide in Christ, be madly and uncontainably in love with him alone and he will BRING that person to us. Do not worry, the Father sees your needs and will give you more than you could ever ask or imagine. (Ephesians 3:20) Focus on being pure for Christ, earthly love will come. but please, please, my friends, do not turn your purity over to have it trampled and you yourselves be torn apart.

**note: this is my personal interpretation of this verse. this is what God has spoken to me about this verse. you don’t have to take it as the only interpretation.

This is one of my favorite quotes about the love of man v. the love of God (true love). it is from the book hinds feet on high places (a book i would recommend to EVERYONE)

” ‘Do you remember when you looked into your heart beside the pool, you found that my kind of love was not there at all – only the plant of Longing-to-be-loved?’
She nodded wonderingly.

‘That was the natural human love which I tore out from your heart when the time was ripe and it was loose enough to be uprooted altogether so that the real Love could grow there alone and fill your whole heart.’

‘You tore it out!’ she repeated slowly and wonderingly, and then, ‘O my Lord and King, were you the priest? Were you there all the time, when I thought you had forsaken me?’

He bowed his head and she took his hand in hers, the scarred hands which had sown the thorn-shaped seed in her heart, and the hands with the grasp of steel which had torn out that love which had been the cause of all her pain, and kissed them while tears of joy fell on them.

‘And now for the promise,’ said he, ‘that when Love flowers in your heart you shall be loved again.’ Taking her hand in his, he said, ‘Behold I have set my love upon tee and thou art mine… yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn thee’ (Jer. 31:3). “

fruit.

courtrudd — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 22:05:36 +0000

thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. away from me, you evildoers!’ matthew 7:20-23 we will be recognized by our fruit. what is fruit? often, we think only of the good fruit, which is delineated in galatians 5:2-23 – “the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self control.” but if you look a couple verses before that, the fruit we are meant to avoid is also laid out for us, “the acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” galatians 5: 19-21 we are to watch out for this kind of fruit and make sure that none of it is in us. we are also to be careful not to follow any teaching that promotes or excuses any of this bad fruit. we must begin to focus on the good fruit and just as equally begin to eradicate the bad fruit. but do not be consumed in guilt. the part of church culture that bothers me the most is the feeling of judgement. the feeling that you are condemned and you cannot share the burdens that are weighing you down. i urge you, find a confidant. find someone to whom you can share your burdens with. i have found in my own life that sometimes until i talk things out with someone and speak them aloud, i cannot give them over to God. i’m not saying that in every situation for every little sin it is appropriate to share every detail of your sin, but in some cases, God has sent us brothers or sisters to help us; use them.

we need to stop judging others by the physical manifestations of God’s power in them. each of us has different spiritual gifts as God reveals them to us and gives us the capability to use them. they are not of us, so we cannot judge others if they do or do not have obvious spiritual gifts. there will be many on the day of judgement who have worked miracles in Jesus’ name but did not know him and not in the kingdom. how can this be? IT IS BECAUSE THE VERY NAME OF JESUS HAS TREMENDOUS POWER. (Acts 3:16, Acts 4:10, Philippians 2:10 but God looks at the heart. Jesus name is a powerful thing regardless of the state of our hearts. using that power for our own glory or recognition is a clear sign that we do not know him. to know him is to be in love with him; to give him glory, not steal it from him. Jesus isn’t interested in how many people we heal or demons we silence or tongues we speak in. He wants our hearts; he wants us for his own. He wants to know us. we cannot impress him so stop trying. your good works are as filthy rags (isaiah 64:6) they do not impress him. simply want to know him, desire him. this pleases him. if you know him these things will naturally flow our. so often we (myself included) focus on producing the fruit out of our own strength in our own lives when all we actually have to do is remain in him. the branch, independent of the vine, can produce nothing no matter how hard it may try; only by remaining connected to the life source can it produce anything good (John 15). he simply asks us “cease striving and know that i am God”. (Psalm 46:10) STOP trying to produce good and simply chase after him; allow him to produce it in you.

evil.

courtrudd — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 05:04:13 +0000

you have heard that it was said, ‘eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ but I tell you, do not resist an evil person. if someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. and if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. if someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. matthew 5:38-42

we live in an eye for and eye society. if someone does something to us it is socially acceptable to get even, if not “one up” them. you see this everywhere. i see it all the time in my own life. just this past week, in one of my classes, the professor speaks relatively loudly, and two students from the next room over (from which loud laughter is frequently heard) came into the room and said they were taking a test so would he mind not lecturing quite so loudly. the entire class was quite rude and made them uncomfortable. after the girls went back to their classroom, nearly the entire class started discussing laughing really loudly, asked the professor to lecture louder and anticipated our next test day so they could go in and chastise the other class for being loud. it was a simple request the girls had made, they simply wanted to concentrate. but my classmates were appalled that we had been reprimanded and immediately sought revenge. a small example, but it shows the retaliatory nature of our society. this is not the reaction Jesus teaches. he tells us not only not to take revenge but to almost overcompensate. if someone strikes one side of our face we are to offer them the other. if someone wants to sue us, we offer them more then they are asking. if someone forces us to help them, we double what they are asking. we are to be a radically generous people. our hearts are supposed to be overflowing in love. WE ARE NOT TO RESIST EVIL MEN. not resisting an evil man does not, however, mean giving into whatever they tell you. scripture tells us “do not repay anyone evil for evil…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12) we are not to do evil even if evil is done to us. we are not to be overcome by evil. we are to resist it and the best way of resisting is by doing good.

we are not only supposed to “kill” with kindness however. generosity should be a natural byproduct of living in Christ. we are to give to anyone who asks of us. we are to allow our brothers and sisters to borrow from us. “be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. share with God’s people who are in need. practice hospitality.” (Romans 12) “remember this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.” (2 Corinthians 9) we are to be generous givers, generous sowers, and what we reap we will sow. if the body begins to live this radically giving lifestyle, we will benefit by each other, we will live in community.

courtrudd — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:16:39 +0000

Matthew 5: 23-24 Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

This is RADICAL! whenever it occurs to you that there is a grievance in your life, whether you are holding something against someone or someone is troubled by you, stop what you are doing immediately and make it right. it doesn’t matter if you are doing homework, it doesn’t matter if you are at school, it doesn’t matter if you are in church. at instantly as it is possible (without disturbing others) fix the problem. it doesn’t matter if it’s not “practical” or if it’s inconvenient. do it anyway. HOWEVER, do not press it with the person. if the person with whom you are trying to be reconciled with does not want to be irenical you cannot force them to. DO NOT attempt to force reconciliation. it will probably widen the gap, hinder the relationship and cause more bitterness. Forgive them in your own heart and forget the circumstance while continuing to pray for them. as long as you have attempted, you have done all that you can. and Romans 12:18 tells us that is all we can do, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live in peace with all men.” You cannot make people like you or get along with you and you especially cannot make them forgive you. but you can be forgiving and you can be loving and you can be peacemakers.

orphan spirit

courtrudd — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 02:50:41 +0000

act like you know God loves you. over and over again God tells us he loves us. not only in scripture, but individually, every day. we just refuse to listen for his affirmation of love. we do not have to wonder if he loves us or not. He has made it clear. i think that despite God’s repeated attempts to get us to understand His love for us, we choose not to see it. we try on our own strength to love our neighbor and be gracious, without acknowledging and fully believing the love God has for us. we struggle through the day and cannot understand our failed attempts at love and forgiveness and graciousness. the problem is this: we cannot give what we do not think we have. we cannot give what we do not think we have. we cannot display God’s love if we do not believe in the love He has for us. most days we act as if we’ve been orphaned by God. God calls us His children, He longs for us to draw near to Him, but our feeble minds cannot comprehend the love He has for us because we are so undeserving. as a result we do not believe it and therefore cannot give it. we take on the “orphan spirit”. what does an “orphan spirit” look like? the distinctive characteristics include an inability to have good, lasting relationships; rebellion/ hatred of authority and a general distrust for leaders; a lack of direction in their lives; an inability to make key life decisions; drawing near, then backing away from intimacy; fear of rejection/ preemptive rejection (i’ll reject you before you can reject me); a gnawing sense of failure; a crippling fear they will never be good enough; an inexplicable drive to succeed/win/prove themselves. God, however, has not left us as orphans. we do not have to succumb to this orphan spirit. in John 14:18 Christ tells us “i will not leave you as orphans; i will come to you.” and in romans 8:15 “for you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship and by him we cry “Abba, Father”. stop acting as if you have been orphaned. receive God’s grace in your spirit. say it aloud, “i am greatly loved by God.” say it again and again until you believe it. only when you and God have a genuine loving relationship, only when you believe it, can you begin to walk out the life he has called us to. a life of love, forgiveness, and mercy.

vacancy.

courtrudd — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:52:44 +0000

in all the years they had known each this had never happened. she felt like someone had sucked the breath right out of her. even her lips felt hollow.

“what” i turned away hoping i hadn’t heard correctly and that he wouldn’t see the moisture that had begun to accumulate around the corners of my left eye. whenever i began to cry, my left eye always teared up first.

“i don’t think you need God to have a healthy marriage”

she didn’t even know how to respond. it was as if he’d said “i don’t think you need air to breathe” it wasn’t that she didn’t hear what he was saying, it’s that her mind couldn’t process it; her heart simply couldn’t accept it.

“wha… well whe…i just…” she couldn’t even collect her thoughts enough to come up with a coherent sentence. with those few words he had shattered every hope she had been clinging to. every hope for a future.

finally a thought came “then i can’t be with you”

his face darkened enraged

“get out”

“what?”

“get out” his face told her he wasn’t joking. she had to diffuse the situation

“no i didn’t mean it like that. i mean without talking this out….”

how had this happened? it had come out of nowhere. sitting in his car, looking out at the dusk gathering over the waves rolling gently up onto the beach, she doubted that life could be anymore perfect. then he looked over and something in his eyes made her heart stop. when their eyes connected he looked away.

“what is it?”

he looked over and ran his hand through his hair. it was beginning to get shaggy.

“it’s nothing”

“no tell me. come oooon. tell me”

now she wished she hadn’t pushed it. she wished with all her heart she’d just ignored his unease.

“how could he think that?” she asked herself. “he must be joking. he must just be upset about something. i know he doesn’t really believe it. even if he does i can change him. he always listens to me. i can make him do almost anything.” she turned slightly red as that thought crossed her mind. for some reason her occasional power over him always made her feel oddly empty. she could get her way and still feel like she’d lost.

“i can change him,” she told herself again.

she willed away the tears and made her voice as pleasantly sultry as she could under the circumstances, “baby, lets not argue. lets just enjoy this sunset.”

she began held his hand her hers and began to play with his fingers.

“i’m really going to miss you”

she began to think about a whole two weeks without him. in all the time they’d been together they hadn’t been apart for more than a few days. now she was leaving, going to another continent, and when she got back he would be gone. she wouldn’t see him for months. just the thought caused a choking cloud of panic rise up into her chest and throat. she felt a strange desperation bubbling up within her, as though if she didn’t grab hold of him that very second he would be gone and she would never find him again.

she grabbed his arm, harder than she’d anticipated. he jerked his arm away. he was still angry, but she didn’t care, she was more afraid of the overwhelming fear of loss than she was of his bad mood. she reached over and took his face in both her hands and pressed her lips as hard as she could against his. she felt she couldn’t possibly get as close to him as she needed to be.

he wrenched her wrists back from his face and pulled away. eyes welling in pain, frenzy growing in her, she simply whimpered, “please. please. please.”

he looked at her disgusted and dropping her wrists turned to look out the window. she curled into herself, rocking slightly back and forth, unwelcome tears pouring silently down her cheeks. she held her breath, willing herself not to let any sound escape. it would only enrage him further. finally she calmed down enough to squeak out a relatively calm

“i’m sorry”

he looked over and his face melted a little. she knew she must look a mess: eyes streaming, face red, hair tousled from running her fingers through it.

“don’t cry”

he wiped the tears from under her eyes with his thumb.

she tried to stop but then just kept coming.

“don’t cry” his voice was a little more stern, it wasn’t a request.

she breathed in deep and stopped the flow; she didn’t have a choice.

“that’s better.” he said “we’ll about it later”

she nodded, relieved. he leaned closer and put his arm around her. she melted against him, tucked under his arm.

“this is where i belong” she thought. her breathing slowed to normal and she began to calm. “this is where i belong.” but as she settled in so did a consuming emptiness. a familiar feeling of absolute hollowness that had almost become normal. “this is right.” she thought. “this is right.” pushing down the nagging voices telling her otherwise, she embraced the vacancy.

random distraction thoughts

courtrudd — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 06:00:52 +0000

i’m sitting here at 12:50 am, supposed to be studying for two tests that i’m not nearly prepared for. feeling things i know are here to distract me. things i haven’t thought of in a long time. and thinking about what i’ve been thinking about lately, i’m led to ask, what am i doing? what is my life about? why is this test so important? what am i doing to bring the kingdom? what am i doing every day? how am i living? what is my life? i just wish that everyone could love everyone. i wish that life was easy sometimes. actually, what i wish is that i could step up and live like i know i should be, like i try to be. i’m listening to a relient k song (i haven’t listened to relient k in a very, very long time) called let it all out. i heard it and started to sob and couldn’t stop. i must have listened to it 30 times in a row. not exaggerating at all, actually. it’s very good; i recommend it. i wanted to send it to someone whom i know it could benefit. God told me not to. it’s actually one of the reasons i’m writing this; to distract me from disobeying and sending it to him anyway. it’s hard for me to understand that i’m not always going to be the one to fix things. that i won’t always be the one who reaps; that sometimes i will be the sower of the seed only. sometimes my whole self just aches for people that i have loved and do love to understand Jesus the way i do. i just want them to know how much easier it is to love him and be loved by him. how meaningless everything else is. it pains me that they don’t want to see it. it pains me that they blame me for blocking them from it. the only goal i have for my life (coffee shop aside) is to point people to God. what greater joy is there in life? none. none that i can see than to say to someone look, there’s hope, it’s right there and it isn’t anything you have to work to attain, and it will set you free. freedom. what an interesting concept. that to be truly free is not to have the freedom to do whatever you want, but, rather, to be free not to do things. i love Jesus. i really, really do.

worth.

courtrudd — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 05:25:50 +0000

I am so tired of believing the lie people are too good for me.
I am tired of feeling inferior to everyone.
I do not understand why I go into every situation believing that I am being judged and found inadequate.

God loves me and He thinks I’m worth something.
That’s good enough for me.
I don’t really care who else it’s good enough for.

faith.

courtrudd — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 04:11:47 +0000

a truth has been revealed. a truth that is from first to last, from beginning to end. a truth that is all consuming. a truth that bites like december frost, more brilliant than the noonday sun. my truth, your truth, that God is real; that He exists. a truth that grips my very soul. my God is real. a truth that drives the direction of my life. that God is real. a beacon when i’m lost, a passage through a maze, comfort when i’m afraid, hope when i am so alone it aches. God is real, He is alive, and He is here. He will never leave me, He will never forsake me. no matter what i do He’ll never leave me; no matter where i hide He’ll never lose me. the prayer of my heart, the deepest desire of my soul, is that with ever beat of my heart the actions of my life will be praise to Him. that when my lungs take in air they will be aware that it is Him. when my eyes blink or my fingers flex or my throat contracts to swallow my entire body will scream in praise to Him. i will find no peace, i will find no joy, i will find no love until i realize that He is the radiance in the rain. He knows that, like Paul, i want Him to remove my thorn, to better yet, transform it into a flower, but for that i must trust Him with all. i long that He would give me that trust. i want to be able to close my eyes and bind my hands and take a step of faith knowing that even if i fall, He will lift me to my feet again, and knowing that those who place their trust in Him will never be put to shame. i want to desperately to be in love with Him. i want a faith that reminds me of my salvation through grace daily. i want daily faith. i want to find the radiance in the rain, my God, my love, my savior, my King, strong servant, hero of the weak and strong alike. i long for a transformation and renewal and constancy of peace. i want to be in love with Him and have no need for others love. i never again want to find my worth in people of this world, but only in Him.

something old.

courtrudd — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 04:20:10 +0000

all she can see is the floor, she can’t lift her face higherall the can feel is the scorn as she walks through the roomall she can hear are the jeers as the people start whisperingbut all she wants is just a few more steps awayand she won’t stop now, she will continueuntil she’s spilled out everything she’s ever longed forpoured pricless fragrance on a man she’s never metbut dreamed of for as long as she remembersin his eyes she sees a future worth the contents of her jarher face is drenched in tears that drip onto his feetand mingle with perfume, which she dries off with her hairand i can’t help but wonder at her humilitythe bravery that she displays, kneeling at his feetall the dissaproving eyes that tear her peice by peicebut she holds on to something larger than her pridein this man she sees life and she won’t be deniedsomething more than having what never satisfiedmeets within her heart and she is torn apart with joy.